Day One

I can't wait any longer. It's back to too much drinking and too much eating. Forget the countdown, I'm going cold turkey, 15 days too early.

The day one starts now. It's not 1st of January, it' not even Monday. It's just NOW, the beginning.

 EDITED 1/15/13 Only in my dreams. The actual day one was like a week after the 1.1.13...

Handweights and Snow

Twenty days and the magical new start, new life, new year will be here. The countdown is going well. I got those handweights and thare has been plenty of snowshovelling, too, to give my upper body busy. The crazy amount of snow has slowed down my running, though.

Honestly, the countdown could have gone wild. Knowing myself I'm actually quite surprised that instead of snow shovelling I haven't been shovelling food into myself. I could have very easily slipped into a mind set of letting lose before it's too late. I'm pleasantly surprised with myself.

The snow, the snow is wonderful. I don't mind getting my toes wet and cold. I love this real winter weather. When it melts, when the spring arrives, I'm going to like it too. And hopefully I'll like how I'll be then.

Trusting the Magic

I'm going to throw myself into believing in the magic of the Brand New Year. The year 2013 will be my special year. The year I will drop extra kilos and extra this and that behind!

Let the count down begin! 36 days. 36 days for buying a set hand weights and 36 days of taking my first steps in weight training. Walking and jogging are OK, but I have been told over and over weight and resistance training is essential for losing weight.

36 days of count down.

A Little Taste of Normality

A few days ago I got to taste "normality". It was really strange. And really, really lovely.

I had had a long and stressful day, on the way home I stopped at a deli and picked up a delicious bagel with good stuff. Later I ate the bagel and that was it. I didn't even think about food or much of anything else until a few hours later when I realised I was really really thirsty. And I drank three glasses of water and went to bed.

So what was so strangely normal about my day?! Two things. Firstly, I had the delicious bagel, enjoyed it and felt satisfied. Usually after a long and stressful day and stuff my face with everything possible. Secondly, I experienced thirst. It's very rare for me to feel thirsty. And to recognise it as thirst and not a food graving.

 This is how I would love to live my life. Have this peaceful relationship to food and weight-issues. Let food serve as nutrition and not as a source of stress or destructive way of trying to cope with stress. 

October Runs

I did it, the October calorie count for running is 7700. That meant 108 kilometers.

The battle in my head goes on. I still haven't thrown myself in this weight loss struggle. Each day I feel yuckier and yuckier about myself, the rock bottom has to be near. And then, then the only way is up!

The Boots that Zip up

The knee lenght winter boots from last year zip up npw. But not easily, it would be uncomfortable to wear them. So I'm not hopping on the scale yet.

Two thirds of the month is gone and two thirds of my running goal (to burn 7,500 cal) is gone!

October Steps

This month I'm aiming for running 7,500 calories away. One third of the month is gone and one third of the goal has been achieved. October weather is perfect for running. This is fun.

I have not dared to step on the scale for several weeks. Last time when I did and the number hadn't changed a bit from the previous time (78 KG), I had one of those brain hiccups. The hiccup goes like this: "I'm disappointed, this is not working, I don't give a s**t, I give up, I stuff my face with junk food again...". I got over the hiccup, but I'm not going to make the same mistake again.

My winter boots from last year are too small. I can't pull the zippers all the way up. When I can, that's when I step on the scale again.

Runners' High Doesn't Equal Dieters' High

I now have hard core facts how hard it is to burn off your fat. The key word, unfortunately, is lower calorie intake.

In September I ran 63 kilometers, it took me eight hours and 17 minutes, and it only burnt 5, 777 calories. Sure enough September was a very very busy month and usually I believe I run more often than 13 times a month. But still, running makes me feel good, but it's not going to make me thin!

For October I have set the meter according to 78 kilos (it was set for 80 in September) and my goal is to reach that magical 7, 500 calories which would mean one kilo. So far (today, the second of October): 590 cal, 52 min, 6,6 KM.

The world is perfect for running right now. No more bugs. Not too hot. Not too cold. Just perfect.

Fun and Functionality

It's certainly non fun to be so lost with your body image, but a much bigger issue is the loss of functionality. It's hard to sit on the floor. It's very hard to stand up from the floor. I can run like a train for an hour or even two, but I can not sprint. Playing soccer or basketball would be hard and I would really risk spraining an ankle or a knee.

Remember, my turning point was carrying that heavy suitcase. It's a powerful image. When I'm running in the trails through a forest I have so much fun, but I keep thinking how much more fun and how much easier it would be without dragging a huge suitcase with me! This is where that goal of 30 kilos comes from. Someone questioned the amount wondering if it was unrealistic. Oh I agree, my goal is unrealistic. And most likely the goal will change because I know I will feel at home with my weight at 10 or 15 kilos lighter.

I have a pretty good idea of how I would be if I seriously got rid of 30 kilos. I have weighed those 30 kilos less when I was a busy and poor collage student. I had no scale then.  I couldn't afford buying new clothes, so I was unaware of my clothing size. I couldn't care less of dieting because I simply had to buy the cheapest foods around. And I was fully... functional. I could run, play ball games and basically could have done whatever I wanted. Of course I had other issues back then, so no I didn't live up to my potential. And now being overweight I still do pretty much everything I want to. Your weight, after all, is not what makes you who you are!

Slowly, I'm pulling out the stuff from my suitcase and throwing it away. That's my mental image. Pulling out dirty socks and wet towels and throwing them away. 78 today. Four kilos (4.4 exactly) gone, 26 left.

Look the Same as You Feel

It's been a while since the mirror agrees with my inner image. Today, for example, I went running and afterwards I felt all pretty, lovely and in shape. The mirror shows a red-faced and over weight woman. On other days I feel super super big and yet the mirror presents a slightly overweight, pretty and smiling woman!

One day, one day I'll look the same I feel. And I will feel like I look!

PS 81.3 That means one kilo (of water retention, I know) gone, 29 left

What I Thought I'd Be Doing

This is the very first time I am actually writing in this blog late at night with a glass of red wine next to me. This is how I envisioned my blog life to be!

It has been a good day. I went for run in the morning and I have been eating in a sensibly way and best of all, no compulsive behavior at all. I have been too busy to think about food and I have been somehow back to my more normal self about not over eating or eating anything possible in sight. Right now I have entered my personal danger zone, though. The house is quiet, everyone is doing their own stuff and it's MY TIME. And usually that means surfing the net and several trips to the fridge! But tonight, for the first time ever, instead of fridge tourism I'm writing this little note and when I'm done I'll plan to surf the blogs and yes, you've got it, I'm targeting all those blogs that tell me it's possible to lose weight, it's possible to live without extra burdens, it's possible to learn new things, it's possible to break free!

It is possible to break free.

It's not Fat, it's a Way of Behaving

My wall, my wall of protection, my wall is not made of fat. I don't need the kilograms of fat around me to protect me. What I need is the emotional eating. Eating and drinking as a stress release, over-eating when I feel bad, eating the wrong stuff when I am disappointed, eating too much or sometimes too little when I'm not in control of a certain situation... Wow, I'm getting answers to my questions. What shall I do with the answers? What shall I do?

Desperately Hopeful

The scale went back to 81.8 and even if this small change from yesterday's 82.4. is just a fluke I'm claiming it to be the first step. But seriously, I had no idea how strange and almost nightmarish my thoughts would turn when I decided to lose weight. I'm ready to say this business has basically nothing to do with calories, food, energy in and out but it's all about YOUR HEAD, mind, soul, heart and emotions!

The wall, the protective wall of extra kilos. I still have no answer why I need it. I have one guess and it has to do with negative feelings. I have a tendency to think super positively, I like pushing all the bad stuff aside and concentrating on the positive. It's not a bad way to live but the fact is I just simply have no power to stop all the bad events, negative comments, hurtful words, sad stories. They still exist whether I think about them or not. And now, maybe, maybe I deal with the unpleasant stuff in my life by eating or overeating?!

I have now become painfully aware of the psychological sides of weight issues. I keep working on my head. I just have to. If I start counting calories or make the portions smaller right now I'm absolutely sure it will just lead to senseless and terrifying over-eating.

82.4 still Building up the Wall

This is crazy. The battle is getting fierce and so far I'm losing it.

81.8

A nice and symmetrical number, isn't it? For someone, who's 166 centimetres tall that nice symmetrical number isn't exactly nice.

The battle in my head continues. I have an inkling that having all this extra weight does serve me as a protective wall against the world. I've heard it so many times before, but it's only now I'm starting to open my eyes to see it personally.

I see myself as happy and outgoing person. I am not afraid of the world or people. Why do I need a wall? WHY? And could I survive without the wall?

Losing the Battle

OK, this is just not working. As soon as I made the decision to ditch that extra piece of luggage I don't want to carry anymore my eating has gone totally wild. This is almost scary. This is almost like sliding into an eating disorder of some sort.

I try to keep telling myself that losing the extra weight DOES NOT mean:

-  the food is running out and I need to eat like it was the last day of my life
- this is a horrible punishment and I have to suffer terribly
- you need to make the worst and least healthy choices systematically

What is DOES MEAN (but I just don't believe it yet: No, I don't buy any of it)

- I'm worth taking care of
- The world is full of wonderful, tasty, healthy foods
-  this is a way of loving and respecting myself

Right now I haven't lost even one hundred grams yet. The battle in my head needs to be fought first!

A Very Complex Matter

It's a Monday morning. May this be the number one day of getting rid of the extra baggage. I have to admit I feel very humble after the weekend. This is not going to be an easy road.

The weekend was a proof of the complexity of weight issues. I'd say my way of eating was pretty much compulsive over-eating. There's no doubt in my mind that this stuffing my face was a direct result of the decision to loose weight. My head, my mind, my soul and heart were all protesting! Why? That I don't know. I'd love to find an answer.

My prayer for this humble Monday is: "May I, please, please, reflect the victorious glory of my Creator instead of destroying my body and pulling my spirit down to dirt. "

The Reason for Blogging

I take a lot of exercise and live an active life style. Not super active but anyway, my weekends, for example, always include something physical. Swimming, riding a bike, taking a walk or hike with the family.

My way of eating isn't that super bad either. But I like all kinds of snacks a bit too much. And the worst thing for me is the night time snacking. I like staying up late, reading a book, surfing the net, watching movies and that's when I eat way too much. It can start with a bowl of cereal or a healthy sandwich but it will always continue to ice cream and cookies or basically anything I can find it the kitchen.  I'm going to see if I could replace the night time snacking with blogging.

I'm not That Strong!

A few weeks ago I was flying back from a marvellous vacation on the mountains. At the airport I realized my suitcase would be heavier than the allowed 20 kg. I used the scale at the check-in desk and true, my suitcase was almost 30 kg. Fortunately we had plenty of time to reorganize our suitcases and the rest of the family helped me out of trouble.

 While sitting on the plane my brain got obsessed with this suitcase of 30 kg. Wow, it was pretty darn hard to carry. It was almost impossible to go the stairs with it. And now, the honest fact is that I voluntarily carry around a lot of extra kilograms with me. Every day, wherever I go. I should get rid of ten kilograms to reach the limits of a normal weight. That's where I often hang around. Just just inside the limits. But I could lose the whole suitcase. It would make me thin. I haven't been thin since I was a young, and yes, skinny college student. How would I feel if I didn't carry that heavy suitcase around me?

The simple truth is, I'm a strong woman. Physically and mentally. But am I strong enough to carry 30 kg extra all the time. The answer is...