Tuesday, August 28, 2012

It's not Fat, it's a Way of Behaving

My wall, my wall of protection, my wall is not made of fat. I don't need the kilograms of fat around me to protect me. What I need is the emotional eating. Eating and drinking as a stress release, over-eating when I feel bad, eating the wrong stuff when I am disappointed, eating too much or sometimes too little when I'm not in control of a certain situation... Wow, I'm getting answers to my questions. What shall I do with the answers? What shall I do?

Monday, August 27, 2012

Desperately Hopeful

The scale went back to 81.8 and even if this small change from yesterday's 82.4. is just a fluke I'm claiming it to be the first step. But seriously, I had no idea how strange and almost nightmarish my thoughts would turn when I decided to lose weight. I'm ready to say this business has basically nothing to do with calories, food, energy in and out but it's all about YOUR HEAD, mind, soul, heart and emotions!

The wall, the protective wall of extra kilos. I still have no answer why I need it. I have one guess and it has to do with negative feelings. I have a tendency to think super positively, I like pushing all the bad stuff aside and concentrating on the positive. It's not a bad way to live but the fact is I just simply have no power to stop all the bad events, negative comments, hurtful words, sad stories. They still exist whether I think about them or not. And now, maybe, maybe I deal with the unpleasant stuff in my life by eating or overeating?!

I have now become painfully aware of the psychological sides of weight issues. I keep working on my head. I just have to. If I start counting calories or make the portions smaller right now I'm absolutely sure it will just lead to senseless and terrifying over-eating.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

82.4 still Building up the Wall

This is crazy. The battle is getting fierce and so far I'm losing it.

81.8

A nice and symmetrical number, isn't it? For someone, who's 166 centimetres tall that nice symmetrical number isn't exactly nice.

The battle in my head continues. I have an inkling that having all this extra weight does serve me as a protective wall against the world. I've heard it so many times before, but it's only now I'm starting to open my eyes to see it personally.

I see myself as happy and outgoing person. I am not afraid of the world or people. Why do I need a wall? WHY? And could I survive without the wall?

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Losing the Battle

OK, this is just not working. As soon as I made the decision to ditch that extra piece of luggage I don't want to carry anymore my eating has gone totally wild. This is almost scary. This is almost like sliding into an eating disorder of some sort.

I try to keep telling myself that losing the extra weight DOES NOT mean:

-  the food is running out and I need to eat like it was the last day of my life
- this is a horrible punishment and I have to suffer terribly
- you need to make the worst and least healthy choices systematically

What is DOES MEAN (but I just don't believe it yet: No, I don't buy any of it)

- I'm worth taking care of
- The world is full of wonderful, tasty, healthy foods
-  this is a way of loving and respecting myself

Right now I haven't lost even one hundred grams yet. The battle in my head needs to be fought first!

Monday, August 6, 2012

A Very Complex Matter

It's a Monday morning. May this be the number one day of getting rid of the extra baggage. I have to admit I feel very humble after the weekend. This is not going to be an easy road.

The weekend was a proof of the complexity of weight issues. I'd say my way of eating was pretty much compulsive over-eating. There's no doubt in my mind that this stuffing my face was a direct result of the decision to loose weight. My head, my mind, my soul and heart were all protesting! Why? That I don't know. I'd love to find an answer.

My prayer for this humble Monday is: "May I, please, please, reflect the victorious glory of my Creator instead of destroying my body and pulling my spirit down to dirt. "


Friday, August 3, 2012

The Reason for Blogging

I take a lot of exercise and live an active life style. Not super active but anyway, my weekends, for example, always include something physical. Swimming, riding a bike, taking a walk or hike with the family.

My way of eating isn't that super bad either. But I like all kinds of snacks a bit too much. And the worst thing for me is the night time snacking. I like staying up late, reading a book, surfing the net, watching movies and that's when I eat way too much. It can start with a bowl of cereal or a healthy sandwich but it will always continue to ice cream and cookies or basically anything I can find it the kitchen.  I'm going to see if I could replace the night time snacking with blogging.

I'm not That Strong!

A few weeks ago I was flying back from a marvellous vacation on the mountains. At the airport I realized my suitcase would be heavier than the allowed 20 kg. I used the scale at the check-in desk and true, my suitcase was almost 30 kg. Fortunately we had plenty of time to reorganize our suitcases and the rest of the family helped me out of trouble.

 While sitting on the plane my brain got obsessed with this suitcase of 30 kg. Wow, it was pretty darn hard to carry. It was almost impossible to go the stairs with it. And now, the honest fact is that I voluntarily carry around a lot of extra kilograms with me. Every day, wherever I go. I should get rid of ten kilograms to reach the limits of a normal weight. That's where I often hang around. Just just inside the limits. But I could lose the whole suitcase. It would make me thin. I haven't been thin since I was a young, and yes, skinny college student. How would I feel if I didn't carry that heavy suitcase around me?

The simple truth is, I'm a strong woman. Physically and mentally. But am I strong enough to carry 30 kg extra all the time. The answer is...