October Runs

I did it, the October calorie count for running is 7700. That meant 108 kilometers.

The battle in my head goes on. I still haven't thrown myself in this weight loss struggle. Each day I feel yuckier and yuckier about myself, the rock bottom has to be near. And then, then the only way is up!

The Boots that Zip up

The knee lenght winter boots from last year zip up npw. But not easily, it would be uncomfortable to wear them. So I'm not hopping on the scale yet.

Two thirds of the month is gone and two thirds of my running goal (to burn 7,500 cal) is gone!

October Steps

This month I'm aiming for running 7,500 calories away. One third of the month is gone and one third of the goal has been achieved. October weather is perfect for running. This is fun.

I have not dared to step on the scale for several weeks. Last time when I did and the number hadn't changed a bit from the previous time (78 KG), I had one of those brain hiccups. The hiccup goes like this: "I'm disappointed, this is not working, I don't give a s**t, I give up, I stuff my face with junk food again...". I got over the hiccup, but I'm not going to make the same mistake again.

My winter boots from last year are too small. I can't pull the zippers all the way up. When I can, that's when I step on the scale again.

Runners' High Doesn't Equal Dieters' High

I now have hard core facts how hard it is to burn off your fat. The key word, unfortunately, is lower calorie intake.

In September I ran 63 kilometers, it took me eight hours and 17 minutes, and it only burnt 5, 777 calories. Sure enough September was a very very busy month and usually I believe I run more often than 13 times a month. But still, running makes me feel good, but it's not going to make me thin!

For October I have set the meter according to 78 kilos (it was set for 80 in September) and my goal is to reach that magical 7, 500 calories which would mean one kilo. So far (today, the second of October): 590 cal, 52 min, 6,6 KM.

The world is perfect for running right now. No more bugs. Not too hot. Not too cold. Just perfect.

Fun and Functionality

It's certainly non fun to be so lost with your body image, but a much bigger issue is the loss of functionality. It's hard to sit on the floor. It's very hard to stand up from the floor. I can run like a train for an hour or even two, but I can not sprint. Playing soccer or basketball would be hard and I would really risk spraining an ankle or a knee.

Remember, my turning point was carrying that heavy suitcase. It's a powerful image. When I'm running in the trails through a forest I have so much fun, but I keep thinking how much more fun and how much easier it would be without dragging a huge suitcase with me! This is where that goal of 30 kilos comes from. Someone questioned the amount wondering if it was unrealistic. Oh I agree, my goal is unrealistic. And most likely the goal will change because I know I will feel at home with my weight at 10 or 15 kilos lighter.

I have a pretty good idea of how I would be if I seriously got rid of 30 kilos. I have weighed those 30 kilos less when I was a busy and poor collage student. I had no scale then.  I couldn't afford buying new clothes, so I was unaware of my clothing size. I couldn't care less of dieting because I simply had to buy the cheapest foods around. And I was fully... functional. I could run, play ball games and basically could have done whatever I wanted. Of course I had other issues back then, so no I didn't live up to my potential. And now being overweight I still do pretty much everything I want to. Your weight, after all, is not what makes you who you are!

Slowly, I'm pulling out the stuff from my suitcase and throwing it away. That's my mental image. Pulling out dirty socks and wet towels and throwing them away. 78 today. Four kilos (4.4 exactly) gone, 26 left.

Look the Same as You Feel

It's been a while since the mirror agrees with my inner image. Today, for example, I went running and afterwards I felt all pretty, lovely and in shape. The mirror shows a red-faced and over weight woman. On other days I feel super super big and yet the mirror presents a slightly overweight, pretty and smiling woman!

One day, one day I'll look the same I feel. And I will feel like I look!

PS 81.3 That means one kilo (of water retention, I know) gone, 29 left

What I Thought I'd Be Doing

This is the very first time I am actually writing in this blog late at night with a glass of red wine next to me. This is how I envisioned my blog life to be!

It has been a good day. I went for run in the morning and I have been eating in a sensibly way and best of all, no compulsive behavior at all. I have been too busy to think about food and I have been somehow back to my more normal self about not over eating or eating anything possible in sight. Right now I have entered my personal danger zone, though. The house is quiet, everyone is doing their own stuff and it's MY TIME. And usually that means surfing the net and several trips to the fridge! But tonight, for the first time ever, instead of fridge tourism I'm writing this little note and when I'm done I'll plan to surf the blogs and yes, you've got it, I'm targeting all those blogs that tell me it's possible to lose weight, it's possible to live without extra burdens, it's possible to learn new things, it's possible to break free!

It is possible to break free.