Fun and Functionality

It's certainly non fun to be so lost with your body image, but a much bigger issue is the loss of functionality. It's hard to sit on the floor. It's very hard to stand up from the floor. I can run like a train for an hour or even two, but I can not sprint. Playing soccer or basketball would be hard and I would really risk spraining an ankle or a knee.

Remember, my turning point was carrying that heavy suitcase. It's a powerful image. When I'm running in the trails through a forest I have so much fun, but I keep thinking how much more fun and how much easier it would be without dragging a huge suitcase with me! This is where that goal of 30 kilos comes from. Someone questioned the amount wondering if it was unrealistic. Oh I agree, my goal is unrealistic. And most likely the goal will change because I know I will feel at home with my weight at 10 or 15 kilos lighter.

I have a pretty good idea of how I would be if I seriously got rid of 30 kilos. I have weighed those 30 kilos less when I was a busy and poor collage student. I had no scale then.  I couldn't afford buying new clothes, so I was unaware of my clothing size. I couldn't care less of dieting because I simply had to buy the cheapest foods around. And I was fully... functional. I could run, play ball games and basically could have done whatever I wanted. Of course I had other issues back then, so no I didn't live up to my potential. And now being overweight I still do pretty much everything I want to. Your weight, after all, is not what makes you who you are!

Slowly, I'm pulling out the stuff from my suitcase and throwing it away. That's my mental image. Pulling out dirty socks and wet towels and throwing them away. 78 today. Four kilos (4.4 exactly) gone, 26 left.

Look the Same as You Feel

It's been a while since the mirror agrees with my inner image. Today, for example, I went running and afterwards I felt all pretty, lovely and in shape. The mirror shows a red-faced and over weight woman. On other days I feel super super big and yet the mirror presents a slightly overweight, pretty and smiling woman!

One day, one day I'll look the same I feel. And I will feel like I look!

PS 81.3 That means one kilo (of water retention, I know) gone, 29 left

What I Thought I'd Be Doing

This is the very first time I am actually writing in this blog late at night with a glass of red wine next to me. This is how I envisioned my blog life to be!

It has been a good day. I went for run in the morning and I have been eating in a sensibly way and best of all, no compulsive behavior at all. I have been too busy to think about food and I have been somehow back to my more normal self about not over eating or eating anything possible in sight. Right now I have entered my personal danger zone, though. The house is quiet, everyone is doing their own stuff and it's MY TIME. And usually that means surfing the net and several trips to the fridge! But tonight, for the first time ever, instead of fridge tourism I'm writing this little note and when I'm done I'll plan to surf the blogs and yes, you've got it, I'm targeting all those blogs that tell me it's possible to lose weight, it's possible to live without extra burdens, it's possible to learn new things, it's possible to break free!

It is possible to break free.

It's not Fat, it's a Way of Behaving

My wall, my wall of protection, my wall is not made of fat. I don't need the kilograms of fat around me to protect me. What I need is the emotional eating. Eating and drinking as a stress release, over-eating when I feel bad, eating the wrong stuff when I am disappointed, eating too much or sometimes too little when I'm not in control of a certain situation... Wow, I'm getting answers to my questions. What shall I do with the answers? What shall I do?

Desperately Hopeful

The scale went back to 81.8 and even if this small change from yesterday's 82.4. is just a fluke I'm claiming it to be the first step. But seriously, I had no idea how strange and almost nightmarish my thoughts would turn when I decided to lose weight. I'm ready to say this business has basically nothing to do with calories, food, energy in and out but it's all about YOUR HEAD, mind, soul, heart and emotions!

The wall, the protective wall of extra kilos. I still have no answer why I need it. I have one guess and it has to do with negative feelings. I have a tendency to think super positively, I like pushing all the bad stuff aside and concentrating on the positive. It's not a bad way to live but the fact is I just simply have no power to stop all the bad events, negative comments, hurtful words, sad stories. They still exist whether I think about them or not. And now, maybe, maybe I deal with the unpleasant stuff in my life by eating or overeating?!

I have now become painfully aware of the psychological sides of weight issues. I keep working on my head. I just have to. If I start counting calories or make the portions smaller right now I'm absolutely sure it will just lead to senseless and terrifying over-eating.

82.4 still Building up the Wall

This is crazy. The battle is getting fierce and so far I'm losing it.

81.8

A nice and symmetrical number, isn't it? For someone, who's 166 centimetres tall that nice symmetrical number isn't exactly nice.

The battle in my head continues. I have an inkling that having all this extra weight does serve me as a protective wall against the world. I've heard it so many times before, but it's only now I'm starting to open my eyes to see it personally.

I see myself as happy and outgoing person. I am not afraid of the world or people. Why do I need a wall? WHY? And could I survive without the wall?